22 January

My sweet mama would have been 52 today.
It’s been 11 years since she squeezed my hands reassuringly as she always used to do.
mom & me
I realise that I’ve missed her half as long as I had her on earth.
After 4023 days it’s got to the point where much of my life only her memory touches.

As I reflect on this vast loss I have endured, of this beautiful life, I realise that I am not tainted by it. My heart is richer for knowing her – and knowing her love. Richer, fuller, deeper, kinder.
That same heart of mine is not poor with loss. It is not poor or empty in any way.

It’s easy to feel sorry for myself – to lament over her never meeting my son, or my husband for that matter. It’s easy to let the sting of my heart linger when I want to call & ask her something but I can’t. When I see other people with their mama’s & remember the things I won’t do with her. I’m not for a second pretending it doesn’t hurt, but here’s the thing.
You don’t have to be sad-sack all the time when you lose someone.

Even without her, I have an abundance of love! My days are full of the most incredible people and miracles and joy. I spent last weekend in Zimbabwe with my Dad & brothers & our loved ones and our family cup is just.so.full.
Jesus is alive & my life with him is overwhelmingly good.
Sometimes I feel like I ‘have to’ spend these milestone days of missing her in sack cloth and ashes…
that I should feel weepy & hard done by but I don’t. And I’m not.

Today I adore her & miss her with a smile on my face.
GrateFULL for every single one of the 11,380 days we had.
There is life after {her} death. Not just for her – but for me too!


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